NB: This is a story about the effects of abortion committed years ago. It is purely fictional and a result of my active imaginations. It is unrelated to any person dead or alive; any such resemblance is purely coincidental.
An unsafe abortion several years ago almost ended Nancy’s life after completing high school. Fortunately, she survived and continued her education; becoming a successful lawyer. She had it all, as well as a wonderful God-fearing husband.Before their marriage, she had confessed her abortion to him and the possibility of it affecting her womb. However, her husband Raymond was unperturbed not wanting to leave the only woman he had ever loved. Five years into their marriage, her worst fear unfolded before her as she had one miscarriage after the other. A thorough medical investigation pointed out her miscarriages resulted from a damaged womb that was unable to carry a fetus. Furthermore, there was a possibility of losing her life if this persisted. The doctors encouraged her to seek alternatives. Her sorrow knew no bounds with this news as she harbored some hope that God may heal her womb. As she ponders the wisdom of agreeing to her husband’s suggestion of adoption, she goes to the Lord in prayer. Her father in heaven was the only one with the ability to read her heart and comfort her.
Some people say judgment is right here on earth even before we see you one day. That the ball you throw against a wall will one day bounce back to you. I hear it said that even though you forgive sin, man has to live with its effects. I wonder if this is the result of a sin long committed. How was I to know the day I went through the worst physical pain of my life, marked my doom. Wisdom failed to notify me that the sharp instruments entering my most tender parts would leave a permanent mark. And that a day would come when the life I was snapping out of me would come to confront me.
As I bled on the old table, the withered hands of the old woman exploiting me, no emotion displayed on her face. She had done it so many times my screams failed to reach her ears. I felt like the worst sinner on earth not only against you, nor against the child but also the torture I subjected my own body to. It is a wonder I am alive today. How many women lay on that table before me? How many screams went unheard out of that old house hidden behind the woods? Who would come to the aid of a dying woman?
The memory fills me with horror, but not as horrible as the scattered remains of my precious one on that ugly table. I have heard many justifications for the terrible act i committed but no theory can convince me otherwise. Before my eyes were her tiny scattered parts. I knew i had committed murder. It was too late, the misdeed had already been done as my heart beat with regret. The physical pain and the emotional pain was too much for me to bear. Oh, how i wish i could banish that memory forever!
Oh my baby; I wonder what she will tell me when we meet one day. Why mother, why did you deny me the chance to make you happy? Why did you deny me a chance to breathe the air surrounding you or feel the warmth of your embrace? Why did you hate me even before my birth, when God had put in me a love for you I couldn’t wait to show? I would have been your girl, your baby and your best friend. We would have done all the fun things mothers do with their daughters.
If these are the questions, she will ask me one day, then help me tell her she has been vindicated. Mummy is lonely without her. The pain and anguish I felt when I realized I had conceived her cannot compare to how I feel without her by my side. I know she is happier in heaven instead of being here with me. If I was capable of doing something like this to her I wonder if I would have been deserving of her love and affection.
God I wonder if you feel I am not capable of being a loving mother and if that is why you will not entrust me with a child. I am ready now oh God, I was not prepared then. I did not know you then as I do now. I now have a home to give my baby and a father who will not reject her. I can now provide for her unlike then. I know I might have died having an abortion at five months and was lucky to walk away with a wounded womb. I will not claim ignorance or justify my actions especially before you. For you can search through the dark corners of my heart and know the truth even before it comes out as a lie.
Will my sin have been lesser if I had confided in my stepmother who would have insisted on having a baby I was not ready for? Would going to a safer clinic to commit the same sin have justified the act? You alone can measure the weight of sin. Perhaps a safer clinic would have spared my womb but not my conscience. And who can tell what is safe when you alone are my safety and refuge? Although Jacob put me through this hardship, I hear he has three children of his own while I have nothing!
How can two people share in an abomination while only one faces the consequence? Is there any justice at all for women? How I wish I were a man! However if being a man could have spared me this turmoil then how can I explain Judith’s situation? Who can explain why my friend who had undergone five abortions at the same place now has two sets of twins? Life is not fair! Who can understand your ways, oh God. You alone know why you do the things you do.
Maybe it is true your children suffer more when they stray from you compared to those who don’t know you. For who can explain how one girl gets pregnant the first time she has sex while the other gets away with countless encounters. Will you have justified me if I had protected myself, preventing any pregnancy? However, how does an unmarried Christian woman take birth control pills and carries a condom without the intent of having sex? I must confess I knew the truth, even before the doctor confirmed my condition. The evidence was clear but my hope was still alive. The conscience usually knows the cause of a self-imposed problem.
Yesterday was the worst day of my life because of the memory of my dark painful secret. The secret, which I had tried to shove into the darkest corners of my mind, looked me in the face yesterday. It was because I feared this might happen that I told my Husband Raymond, of this misdeed before agreeing to marry him. I hoped the truth might frighten him away at the same time wishing he wouldn’t leave me. However, yesterday was at the same time the best day of my life. If I doubted you had given me a good man, all the fears evaporated when he took my hand and promised we were in this together. I am undeserving of such love.
When he immediately suggested we should arrange for adoption without any look of condemnation or disgust, I felt as if I were dreaming. I wondered if love like this still existed here on earth. A thousand and one negative responses are often expected from a man at a time like that. Nevertheless, the acceptance and gentleness with which he reassured me of his love and support was more than I could imagine. When he added that the vows he made on our wedding day were not just recitals, I was on cloud nine.
When this man stood by me as I prayed expectantly for a miracle, I knew we had become one indeed because he did not abandon me to carry this burden alone. What a joy to find a man who truly loves the lord. All that is good come from you I must concur, but I felt my childlessness was not good enough for such a good man. However, I have learnt to enjoy what you have blessed me with and stop grieving for what I lack.
Yesterday I learnt the greatest lesson of my life. It is better for a person to know all your faults and accept you the way you are. And that in keeping things in the dark, you risk losing everything when the secret is out. When I confided in him about my unsafe abortion, I ignored my breaking heart as I gave him a chance to walk away. Earlier in my life, when step mom advised that telling hard truths set the record straight leaving no room for blame games, I couldn’t understand. Now I recognize the wisdom in her words.
What a wonderful woman she was! When you brought her into my life after mother died, all I thought of was how to oppose her. I did everything through word and deed to communicate to her that she could never take the place of my real mother. Her love and determination to find a place in the heart of my brother and I broke my resolve and won me over. A mother is indeed not only the one who carries you in her womb but also the one who loves, nurtures and accepts you for who you are. So therefore, you were preparing me for a time, when I too would seek an opportunity to care for a child who I did not carry in my womb to call me mummy. You indeed know the end from the beginning.
If you have given me, a chance to mother as many children as I want through adoption, your goodness and mercy have indeed followed me. You did not repay me with the wickedness and punishment I deserve and I am grateful. I am tired of the name aunty when mummy is what I yearn for. I need to have children to call my own so I can love them and watch them grow. It is interesting how we yearn to own the children you graciously give us to nurture. We forget they are yours though we enjoy them here on earth. Why then does it feel so painful for a mother to lose a child? I hear the pain a woman endures after childbirth ceases immediately she holds her offspring in her arms. Perhaps that is the joy motherhood.
I need to experience this joy! Help me take care of the children you are about to bless me with through adoption. Let these children, though born through another woman’s pain give me a chance to love them. Help me to see them as my own and to love them just as my stepmother did in those rebellious days of my youth. When all is said and done, may I always remember, I am their mother and not their God.
With this in mind, I will do my earthly best as you play your divine part so together, your will in their lives will be accomplished and your glory seen. I do not ask for children of my choice, as I don’t have a choice. I ask that somewhere out there, let the babies I bring to this house accept me as their mother. And even though I cannot feed them from my bosom, let it be said one day that they are my bosom friends. Thank you once again, Lord. You have loved me past my pain and wiped away my reproach. I will praise your name now and forever, Amen.
RELATED BIBLE PASSAGES
PSALM 127: 3
Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.
PSALM 139: 13-16
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
JOB 31: 15
Did not he who made me in the womb make him? And did not one fashion us in the womb?
LUKE 1: 41-44
And when Elizabeth heard the greeting of Mary, the baby leaped in her womb. And Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit, and she exclaimed with a loud cry, “Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb! And why is this granted to me that the mother of my Lord should come to me? For behold, when the sound of your greeting came to my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy.
QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSIONS
Does life begin before or after birth as described in the bible passages above?
Do you think aborting an unborn child is equal to murdering a grown human being?
Was Nancy’s unsafe abortion justified because she wasn’t ready to have a child?
Do you believe God has truly forgiven her?
How did Nancy’s experience with her stepmother prepare her for adoption?