NB: This is a story about a young woman who prays to God about her struggles with lesbianism. It is purely fictional and a result of my active imaginations. It is unrelated to any person dead or alive; any such resemblance is purely coincidental.
Sandra’s cross has not been easy to carry although she has labored under its heavy weight, which threatened to crush her any time soon. Lured into the act of lesbianism by a trusted friend of the family and initiated against her will, she was deeply hurt and angry with God for what she had become. Involved in an act her Christian upbringing did nothing to encourage, Sandra lived in a dilemma. She alone had to deal with her situation unknown to her family. She wished to speak to her father but doing so meant bringing shame to him since he was a Reverend Minister. Her mother was also an unlikely candidate for her confession though they were very close. She could also not bring herself to speak to her sisters for fear of condemnation. Only the God she had cast aside would really understand. No more able to bear the burden of the heavy cross, she goes to the Lord in prayer. This time, she determines to lay down the cross at His feet and walk away with her head held high once again.
I am unworthy to stand before your presence, but I prefer your rebuke to losing you in this pool of sin. I don’t know how I found the courage to come to you today, but I know it is now or never. I have been going through the motions; a shadow of myself, confused and worried. Nevertheless, so far as I am here today, I am not leaving with this burden in my heart. Take this load away and give me your yoke that is lighter or I will fall at the weight of my grief! If you destroyed an entire nation because of this appalling act; then it is a wonder I am still here. You know me more than I know myself and even though my misdeed might not surprise you, I am aware it has not pleased you either.
It has taken me a while to get to the point where I can cast away the lies to agree with the truth. You did not create me to have sexual relations with my fellow woman. You created the perfect fix between a man and woman but I have reversed your perfect order and become abominable before you. If anyone had told me I would be in such a mess, I would have laughed the person to scorn. After all, I am the daughter of Reverend Smith and I have known your Word since I was an infant. The possibility of this happening to me was too minimal. Today however, I have gained insight into the fact that evil assigns its deeds fairly between the good and bad just as rain refuses to discriminate. No one can look into the future to predict the outcome when faced with life’s treacheries. To claim innocence in an act yet to happen is to be overconfident in our weak human strength.
Thus, I am not oblivious to the truth. I am not here to lay blame on anyone for my actions, but to lay my sinful deeds before you with no justification. My actions have hung my head so low by the weight of its heavy burden. No more will I die inside and smile outside, weeping within while laughter rings out of my mouth as I attempt to survive in an unsympathetic world. Four years ago when I entered college an innocent 15 year old, little did I know one forbidden act may possibly cause me to reject you for fear of you first rejecting me. I have read that you first loved me from the beginning of time but those words meant nothing to me, because I didn’t know, you were capable of forgiving something so sinful.
When Mary lured me into lesbianism, I didn’t know who to turn to for she was the Christian sister to whom my parents had entrusted. As a neighbor and a family friend, she was like a real sister to me and I never knew she could harm me. If you forbid this impermissible act, why did I eventually feel pleasure at her touch? Lured by whispers and gifts of so-called love, my naïve mind was too overwhelmed to fight back. Where were you when my body experienced the sharp pain as her fingers exploited my virgin body? When I cried out to you, why did you not answer me? God, where were you when I needed you to push her away from me and to save me from her? Why did you not prevent her manipulations and deceit from getting to me?
Why did I take her words as the gospel while I kept the real gospel in the bible under my pillow? If two women should not be together this way; then why do you not take away the feelings of pleasure when they explore each other’s bodies? Would it not have been easier for us to escape the temptation? It is still a mystery to me. After that fateful day, I have not been able to come before you although I wanted you to set me free. I thought I had become distasteful to you. Perhaps that is why I foolishly bought into the defense that some women are attracted to the same sex and can do nothing about it. You have spoken to me in my dreams. You have opened my eyes to the truth in your words, which I discarded. I have refused to see and to listen. Rather, my stance has been defensive. If you created me this way as the others believe, why change or feel guilty? What could I have done when I had no one to turn to? Was I to turn to my father the priest of Fire Ministries or my mother who is the anointed wife of the man of God? No!
Was I to turn to my elder sister who seems so perfect in my eyes or worse still my younger sister Tracy who looks up to me and follows my every step? Definitely not! While I was busy looking around me for someone to unburden my guilt and shame, I forgot you were there with me when it started but I refused to talk to you, and why not? Shame and guilt hung my head downwards. To make matters worse the media has taken a definite stance against anyone involved in this act. People have called us more horrible names than I can imagine. Where were they when my forced initiation was taking place? Did they have my back when I lay there like a sheep awaiting its slaughter? How many of them have carried the weight of guilt I have had to carry? The fear and condemnation told me I was better off dead than alive.
What about you God, where were you to save me? I thought your Word says those that call on your name shall be saved. It is so painful you did not save me as you looked on. I know I said I would not come to you with any blames, but my wounds still bleed and my tongue lashes out before I can control it. Just yesterday, as I was listening to the urban talk radio program, I couldn’t believe my ears when the caller suggested killing those involved in homosexual acts. He went on to say, he was going to take the law into his own hands if his recommendation went unheeded. How can the grave testify to our change when we lie dead in its cold depths? Is this the solution to the daily horror most of us live in; knowing very well we are living a lie? Will our punishment solve the problem when our hearts cry out for help and a way out? Hmmm, I wonder. My heart beat in fear and my head dropped lower as my family contributed to the discussion.
Their agreement with the caller hurt me so much, though they are not to blame. How were they to know their beloved daughter was also a culprit? What saddened me the most was how Mary’s mother who had come to visit was the most vocal in the discussion. Only if she knew, her daughter was more guilty than the others she criticized and that I had been her victim. I have been able to avoid Mary since she finished school, although the seed she planted in me has grown to the point of fruition. It is a miracle even though I had been secretly practicing this abominable act, I have never inflicted the same harm meted out to me on innocent girls who came to the school. Protecting some of them from more fierce colleagues has even earned me enemies in the same circles. Lord, I know your love for humanity is not dependent on good deeds but I hope you will show me the same mercy I had on those innocent girls, as I have come before your mercy seat.
When I look at my younger sister about to enter college; fear grips my heart. The thought of the same destruction possibly awaiting her is agonizing for me. Help me oh God, for I need to talk to her about my experience regardless of the outcome. My pain should be enough for both of us. Give me the courage and strength to speak to her. May she not thread that deadly path I thread, for her gentle spirit may not be able to survive this repulsive act. When I took the decision today I would no more be a slave of anyone’s imagination, my eyes were open to the fact; that forgiving Mary was the key to my healing and deliverance. I never knew I could come to this decision since the bitterness I feel towards her tastes worse than the sourest pill. However, I have noticed holding this unforgiveness against her holds me captive as well.
She is also the product of a corrupted world and deserves the same forgiveness I seek from you, even if she is too ashamed to ask for it. Therefore, in your presence oh lord, I forgive her and forgive myself. Like the washing away of trash into the mighty ocean, wash away my trash with the sea of blood; shed by your son Jesus while here on earth. Remember them no more and wipe my slate clean again as you promised me in your holy books. Remember all those who are in such bondage as you depicted with the adulterous woman in the bible; stopping anyone from hurling stones at her. This way, they too can have the chance to go and sin no more, if they are willing. I know you are always ready to pull out those who reach out their hands to your already extended ones. The seed of sin planted in my heart through the exploitation of my innocent body and the whispered lies, bore fruits that I refuse to recognize from now on.
I come to you as my lord and personal savior, who never left my side though I left in anger and disappointment that my God could not protect me. Who can understand your ways and answer the question every hurting Christians asks; why do good people suffer? Only you know; I rejoice in the ability to come out of suffering and still see you as the only God worthy of my praise. The devil is a liar indeed! One lesson I have learnt in all this, is that when you constantly listen to a lie, you eventually believe it. No wonder I began to believe, you created me to be with a woman and not a man. The mere fact that my heart beats at the sight of an attractive woman does not means I am a lesbian. No longer, will I allow my heart and my ear to lead me astray. For a house built in the shape of a car is still a house and not a car. It is a wonder for six months, I have kept clean of this act even when I had not taken a personal decision to stop. My heart had already decided it would no longer go that way.
Can it be the spirit in me? The fire I dimmed when I stopped reading your word blazes within me again and I will fuel it in your presence. I am so grateful I did not lure my sister into it since some of my friends practice it with their own siblings. Please help them! My heart trembles at the thought and I promise to be an advocate against homosexuality with you as my help. Taking my bible after so long and reading that you will remember my sins no more and make me a new creature is all the push I need. I now realize you never let me go as I thought. You sent good friends my way; but I was so ashamed to go near them. I thought they were so pure. You protected me from sickness and other social vices and kept my grades up even though my morals were down. Today, I can say I not only forgive Mary for her initiation and my parents for leaving me in her care, but I also forgive myself. Not running to the cross but moving further away from it, was my worst mistake.
You who created me in your image and saw I was good; you have lifted my head and taken away the sorrow from my eyes. You who know the plans you have for me even before my birth. I rededicate my life to you and ask you to remove every seed of shame, lies, pain and deviation from your word. That I may be the confident woman, you want me to be, no longer focusing on my imperfections. I learn to entrust my life to you; believing man’s mercilessness cannot crush me while I am in the palm of your hands. Preserve my body as your holy temple, until you bring me the man you created specially for me. In addition, let the effect of this sinful past be my past indeed!
All I need is for you to help me believe in your words, which you have exalted above your holy name. Let me believe you took away my shame as you hang on the cross. It is too good to be true! As Jesus died and rose again, I put to death every doubt and rise with you as the new creature you have made me today. No more bondage, no more lies, no more compromise! I am free indeed; the sun has set me free! Thank you Jesus for the blood you shed, because it can remove every stubborn stain of sin. Amen!
RELATED BIBLE PASSAGES
ROMANS 1: 26-27
For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions. For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error. ;
GALATIANS 5: 19-21
Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.
LEVITICUS 18: 22-23
You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination. And you shall not lie with any animal and so make yourself unclean with it, neither shall any woman give herself to an animal to lie with it: it is perversion.
COLOSSIANS 3: 5
Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.
QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION
Like Sandra, how does the betrayal of a trusted Christian cause you to view other Christians?
Do you agree forgiving the people who hurt us the most is the beginning of our victory?
Do you agree with Sandra that believing a lie can make it seem like the truth?
How did the self-righteous behavior of her parents and sisters push her deeper into the sin of lesbianism?
Have you ever been angry with God for not coming to your aid as Sandra laments? How does this push us further from him and into sin?