NB: This is a story about a married woman who prays to God about the sin of adultery.It is purely fictional and a result of my active imaginations. It is unrelated to any person dead or alive; any such resemblance is purely coincidental.
Mrs. Benson is blessed with a good husband, every sane woman wished for. However, she was not sexually fulfilled in her five-year marriage and had not communicated this to her husband. She felt he would look at her differently since he was a man of God. Thus, she feigned satisfaction every time they made love, unknown to her husband. Unfortunately, she is unable to resist temptation when an old flame outside the country comes for a visit and asks to meet her for old times’ sake. She commits the most-dreaded sin of all married couples, adultery. Unable to forgive herself and fearful of losing her husband, she is unable to confess to him and turns to her heavenly father who alone has the power to forgive sins. A place where she can find solace and strength and above all the forgiveness she desperately needs to be able close her eyes at night. She knows it is only through the sincere prayer from her regretful heart that she can face the journey ahead of her marriage.
Father in heaven,
I wonder if I still have the right to call you Father. I feel I have lost my rights as your daughter with this dishonorable act. If I am unable to lift my head to you, it is because I know my place, the place of transgressors. A place where I willingly placed myself, forgetting tomorrow will surely come. If it is indeed true all sin is the same, then I must say I don’t feel that way. When I gossiped with my friends about the priest with a bad odour, I felt regret but not as much as this. When I cheated in my exam way back in school, I felt sorry but not this horrible. But after what I did last night, I feel like trash.
Why did something so wrong feel so right? Where did all the morning meditation psalms flee to? When I placed myself in his palms under the palm tree, why did my conscience feel dead? Why did the weight of the wedding band of my finger feel so light making me think I was single again? Why did my body have a mind of its own when my heart, spirit and soul pleaded with it to stop? I am not worthy to stand before your throne of grace where you so graciously crowned me with glory, as Bishop Benson’s wife. The wife of a man so faithful to you thus, earning the admiration and reverence of many. Wife of a man so handsome and strong, his cassock the only shield from several admiring women out of whom I was lucky.
Now I know what our elders say is true. Old wood lights faster than the newest ones. If I had a choice maybe, I should have willingly presented myself for circumcision, so at least I would not have been able to feel. If my no’s had been louder instead of my half-whispered pleas and eyes that screamed yes, it will not have gone that far. Maybe, he would have let me go and spared me the torture. I once heard nothing we do surprises you God, but I wonder if you are not only surprised but also repulsed at my action. My guilt weighs heavily on me. Perhaps it would have been lighter if it were not only committed against my body and you, but against a man of God.
When I was leading the women’s revival last month, did you sit far above and mock at my actions below, as I spoke about faithfulness in marriage? Was this supposed to happen to let me know I too am human? If being born again makes one a new creature, then why did my body remember how it felt to be in Troy’s arms? Feelings left long ago in the past with the passing of the seasons. Why could he do with me as he pleased as if he were a fairy who had cast a spell on me? I may have given him my virginity years ago when I had not given you my heart but why did I act so foolishly? I threw all caution to the wind knowing very well that you gave me to Bishop Benson in your holy temple. That when you joined us together, you forbade anyone from putting us apart?
Do I blame my body for putting me in this mess and throwing away each message of truth from your Word? On the other hand, do I blame Troy for taking advantage of my body’s weakness? No, the blame is mine because I knew anything could happen once I agreed to meet him. A thousand dips in the Sea of Galilee cannot make me clean again. Though the imprints of his fingers are no more visible on my tender flesh, the memory alone is enough to sink me to hell, where I belong. For to stay here on earth is to be reminded of the heaven I felt in his arms and the hell I feel right now. Though I have prayed several times that I may once behold your face knowing no one can see you and still live, I see the wisdom of your immortality and invisibility. If I am to see you now, my shame will cause me to take my life.
I wish I can hide from you and banish the memory of my sin from my mind. I wish I had not been too hard on the women who had threaded the same path I find myself now. Whom do I tell my story, for I wish to share this burden so its weight can be lighter? If only I had spoken up, this may not have happened. How was I to tell the bishop his wife needed him much more? That making me feel like a woman does not make him less anointed since the marriage bed is undefiled. How could I summon the courage to tell him I was tired of the same missionary position, given that I had experimented with others more pleasurable when I was still in the world? I was afraid he would see me as a spoilt woman so I endured in silence.
Maybe I could have taken the risk by telling him the sounds I make, while he is on top of me are just practiced sounds meant to fuel a man’s ego. Maybe then, I would have been justified. Even then, I fool myself because no justification can right my wrong, for what is wrong is wrong. All good things come from above and I know my husband is indeed a gift from you. But remember oh lord, what is made in heaven, lives here on earth where even the life of your only son was not spared. After five years, my body yearned for more, falling into the devil’s trap. If my heart throbs for my husband and my body for another, then what am I? This sin is smothering me. Help me oh God, I need to get it together! The path I have chosen may lead me never to see your face.
When I returned home last night, the look in my husband’s eyes made me shiver. I thought he had caught me but when I looked down in shame, he lifted my chin with his finger. I could not hide from his scrutiny, my heart beating fast. It was only then I realized the look he gave me was one of concern and love. A love that radiated from his being in appreciation of the wife you have given him. When I broke down and cried, it was because the shame I felt was too much to handle. I felt worse as he rocked me in his arms, thinking the so-called philanthropic work I had gone to do was having an emotional toll on me. Oh, how I wish the ground had opened so I could jump in.
Only if he knew, another man had possessed the body he gently held in his arms. That the hair he gently caressed was earlier disentangled in an act of forbidden passion. If he knew, I wonder what he would do. I cannot bear to see agony in his caring eyes, nor behold hatred replacing his love. I know I am undeserving of his love, he deserves the truth. However, the jealousy I see in his eyes even when I chat innocently with men is enough to caution me. The warning he gave me about never forgiving my infidelity holds me captive. I will rather hold my tongue than ruin it all.
I am not ready to let go such pure love. If the shower I took five times yesterday was able to wipe every kiss from my body, how do I wash away what he placed in my secret place? Oh, lord, Help me! I will never go back! I will no more forget I risk losing it all. If this is why the adulterous woman in the bible was about to be stoned, then you shouldn’t have stopped them because it is worse to live with such guilt. However, if Jesus protected and defended her in order to give her another chance, I am hopeful I too will receive mercy. I believe your blood that flowed on Calvary is enough to erase this misdeed and blot out my transgression from your memory.
Each time my husband smiles at me, the regret I feel is an affirmation I don’t want to go back to the place of shame. That place of guilt and fear of one’s own shadow. My feet have been swift to thread a deadly path but they will be swift to return to you; Oh lord. There is no peace in your absence. I will return to where you have established me, so my story will not end in disgrace. If I am associated with this abomination, my enemies will rejoice and mock my God. I run back to you so you can draw nearer to me that you may constantly remind me of who I am; your child. You alone have the power to forgive sins and to save me from myself. I confess to you what your eyes have already beheld in disgust. You alone can see the state of my heart and testify to my remorse.
Look into my heart right now; see how it bleeds with regret. Behold the truth and the resolution deeply etched there and it will tell you a thousand words. More words than I can say to you right now. I cannot turn back the hands of time. History already holds the records of my sins. If this sin has also been written in the book of life beside my name, then let me state my plea before beholding your face on judgment day. I will not wait for the judge; I sentence myself to guilt. I move forward with the intention of never going back because I never want to feel this way again. I never want to disappoint you like this again.
Now more than ever, I have come to appreciate Jesus came for sinners like me. And if I take his hand, he will see me through. He will lead me safely away from the path of sin that leads to death. Please forgive me and help me forgive myself, I am now determined my marriage will work. I will teach my husband how to satisfy me notwithstanding his reaction. Please help me heal this marriage. No more pretense; its result is disastrous. I am determined to defeat this flaw with you by my side. And even if I cannot confess this sin to my husband, I trust you will not withhold your mercy from me. I thank you for your ability to forgive even the worst sins. In Jesus name I pray; Amen.
RELATED BIBLE PASSAGES
JOHN 8: 4-12
4 and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5 In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” 6 They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.
But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8 Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.
9 At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. 10 Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”
11 “No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”
Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.
“You shall not commit adultery.
Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION
How did Mrs. Benson’s inability to communicate to her husband about not being sexually fulfilled lead to the sin of adultery in her life?
Do you agree that like Mrs. Benson, some Christians are too quick to condemn certain sinful acts until they have fallen into that particular sin themselves?
What does her experience tell you about our your own weakness and the constant need to seek God for strength to overcome temptation?
Do you think God is capable of forgiving her after her repentance?
Like Mrs. Benson, do you sometimes feel undeserving of God’s love an mercy after a sinful act?