Category: AVOIDING RELATIONSHIP SCAMS

BLUE BALLS IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR SEX

BLUE BALLS IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR SEX

I am always at my wits end when I hear some of the ridiculous reasons why some woman give in to premarital sex against their better judgement. I have heard once too often that some have fallen prey to the popular or should I say unpopular blue balls syndrome. Since I grew up without a brother and attended a girls’ high school, I must say I am not an authority on the male anatomy. As a result, this blue balls syndrome has always piqued my curiosity.

According to wikipedia, “Blue balls is a slang term for the condition of temporary fluid congestion (vasocongestion) in the testicles accompanied by testicular pain, caused by prolonged sexual arousal in the human male without ejaculation. The term is thought to have originated in the United States, first appearing in 1916. Some urologists call the condition “epididymal hypertension; A condition that is not experienced by all males.”

Another article on cosmopolitan.com titled What exactly happens when a guy gets blue balls? Or is this just a myth?” also caught my attention.  According to the author, “If a sexually aroused guy does not ejaculate, there is a buildup of pressure, and his super sensitive balls feel the brunt of it. The sensation can range from a mild ache to worse-than-getting-kicked-in-the-crotch pain.”

He further explained that “it is not dangerous, and the guy can deal with it, whether that means helping himself out or waiting it out. The blood will eventually drain and any discomfort will disappear on its own. It’s called blue balls because the blood that has been in the scrotum for a while loses oxygen and can give the appearance of a bluish tinge.”

With a better understanding of what blue balls really is, the question that plagues my mind is whether it is a justification for a woman to give in to premarital sex. I do empathize with the men who go through this excruciating pain at the point of sexual arousal. However, I do not agree that a woman should be coerced into sex or should I rather say give in to sex to alleviate this pain.

2 Peter 1:5-7 reads “For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love.” To the brother who feels the only way he can alleviate his pain is through sex, self- control is a better option. Men who have learned to control themselves have kept trouble at bay.

Also, according to 1 Corinthians 10:13, No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. Another key here is endurance and not gratification at all cost. Blue balls is not a justification for premarital sex.

Another point worthy of note is that women also experience pain. Physical pain that can be far more excruciating than blue balls. This happens just by virtue of their biological make up. These include menstrual pain, ovulation pain, child birth pain, painful miscarriages, painful sex etc.

1 Corinthians 6:18-19 says “Run from sexual sin! No other sin clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself.”

1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God.”

Premarital sex has far reaching consequences than blue balls. So to a sister who thinks she is being cruel by refusing to alleviate someone’s blue balls pain through sex, I say weigh your options. Remember that apart from incurring the wrath of God, you risk dealing with an unwanted pregnancy, a sexuality transmitted disease, an abortion, guilt, shame and a possible broken heart from the same person whose blue balls pain you helped alleviate.

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THE PREMARITAL SEX THREAT

THE PREMARITAL SEX THREAT

When I tune in to relationship programs, I hear too often young women lamenting about how their partners have threatened to leave them if they do not give in to sex. Some of them sound so desperate it is as if their world has come to an end. What breaks my heart is that some fall prey to this blackmail. They actually give in to these premarital sexual demands against their will. Unfortunately, their partners sometimes find other excuses to leave them anyway. I have tried to get into the minds of these precious women to find out why they get themselves entangled in such deceit.

Precious woman, if any man who claims to love you makes such threatening demands of you, this is how I suggest you respond. “Do you not know that my body is the temple of God, I prefer God’s presence to your absence. So walk out and never come back, until you are ready to put a ring on my finger!” Open the door for him to walk or ran out depending on your mood. Instead of crying, jump and shout Hallelujah! Thank God for saving you from disappointment, guilt, heartache, unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections and the list goes on. This may sound too harsh but the man who truly loves you will be patient until the time is right.

This suggestion may sound scary especially for a woman who has strong feelings for her partner. However, it may also be a way of escaping a dangerous trap. 1st Corinthians 13:4-7 says 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Threatening to leave you unless you give in to premarital sexual demands does not reflect the love described above.

In trying to answer the question of why a woman would give in to such threatening demands, five factors come to mind. 1. She may not have fully comprehended the love of Christ. 2. She underestimates how valuable she is. 3. She may be afraid of human beings rather than the God who cautions her not to defy her body. 4. She has not understood the plans God has for her and 5. She falsely believes she will be left alone, the rest of her life if she should say no and let go.

I recently wrote the words “God loves me unconditionally every day” and pasted it on my bathroom wall. I wanted these words to sink deep into my spirit and soul. I do not want to become so reliant on the love of fellow human beings that I get disappointed if my expectations are not met. As imperfect human beings, we are prone to make mistakes which can make us unlovable. We are sometimes rude, lazy, irresponsible, annoying, insensitive, immoral and selfish. These behaviors can make even those who truly love us keep their distance. I am yet to experience a time when Christ abandoned me because of my many imperfections.

We have heard so often that God loves us that it has become a Cliché. It is more romantic to hear Isaac loves you or Daniel loves you rather than God loves you. After all, can you feel the physical touch of God as that of a real man? Can you audibly hear his deep voice as that of a man that can make shivers run down your spine when he says “I love you”? Probably not, but we can be assured of his unconditional love for us. Romans 5:8, tells us “God commanded his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us”. When we begin to truly believe in his love, no man or woman can ever make us feel unloved.

According to Matthew 6:26 “the birds of the air do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet our heavenly Father feeds them. Are we not much more valuable than they?” Matthew 10:29-31 also says “29 are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. 30 And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” So, whether we like it or not, we are valuable and must begin to see ourselves as such. The value we place on ourselves has a direct correlation with the value others place on us.

In Psalm 139:13-16 King David wrote “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” If you have ever doubted how special you are, let this verse serve as a reminder.

We are told in Psalm 111:10, “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom.” Fear here refers to the reverence we have for the Lord our maker. So in the scenario where a woman’s partner threatens to leave her if she refuses his sexual demands, her reaction will determine who she reveres, God or Man. 1st Corinthians 6:19 admonishes “19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own”. Precious woman, your choice speaks clearly of who you revere.

In Acts 5: 29 when Peter and the other apostles were warned not to teach in the name of the Lord, they replied “We must obey God rather than human beings! They were more concerned with pleasing God and did not care for their lives. So if you are asked to give in to sin to satisfy man’s desires, who will you obey? If the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom as stated above, then in such a scenario, we can say the fear of man is the beginning of folly.

Jeremiah 29:11 tells us “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” This is one of my all-time favorite memory verses. It assures me that though life may not make sense at times, it is not the will of God to put me in harm’s way. So if a relationship threatens to harm you, please consider this verse. Be confident of the fact, that it is not the will of God for your life. The future is bright, all hope is not lost.

When a woman is desperately looking forward to getting married, it is easier for her to fall prey to such demands. For instance a woman in her late 20s or early 30s may feel she may be sabotaging her marriage by saying no. The fear of remaining lonely or probably not meeting a better man may make her compromise despite her Christian believes. Sadly, loved ones expected to give encouragement during difficult times sometimes do the opposite. They accuse the already confused lady of being unreasonable.

She is constantly reminded sometimes subtly, that her biological clock is ticking. They portray giving in to sex as such a small sacrifice necessary to secure a life partner. They may even go to the extent of telling her more horrendous sacrifices they themselves had to make to secure their husbands. In times like these, self -motivation is a necessity. There is also the need to always remember that we are accountable to God and not man. Precious one, God is capable of raining down manna from heaven! Will he not grant you the desires of your heart?

I love Don Moen’s song “God will make a way where there seems to be no way”. It speaks directly to the heart of a woman who finds herself in such a dilemma. Sticking to your principles may not make sense to others, but the day God honors your obedience, they will come to understand. God does not put his children to shame! Precious woman “Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; Wait for the Lord! “ Psalm 27:14.

When you stand firm and say no to sin, you may lose friends, loved ones and even family. They may not accept your decision and may even reject you in anger. All of a sudden, you are left alone. The partner you boldly resisted is gone from your life; those you assumed you could count on are nowhere to be found. You feel all hope is lost and even regret your decision. You keep asking yourself if you made the right decision; you wonder if your principles are worth losing those you love. The devil wastes no time in reminding you it is not too late to change your mind.

But that is also a lie of the enemy; you are not alone according to Deuteronomy 31: 6. “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” You are not alone, God loves you, you are valuable, he has good plans for you and in his time, he will make all things beautiful. Until then, Bask in his unconditional love, it is a free gift! Always remember, “God loves you unconditionally every day!”

photo credit: Conversation via photopin (license)

THE IMPORTANT LOOKING MAN

THE IMPORTANT LOOKING MAN

A male friend of mine gave me a revelation some time ago that shocked me. He lamented how a colleague of his who drove an expensive car kept asking him for loans. His anger was not directed at his request but at the fact that he was still taking the bus a.k.a trotro. The man in the “big car” asking the man riding in the bus for money; how interesting! I asked him whether he obliged his requests and he said he sometimes had to, because at times his colleague did not have money to even buy fuel.

So what is the logic in driving a big car when you have to borrow to maintain it, I enquired? He told me according to his colleague; it was the only way to woo the woman of his dreams. Bam, I got the picture! After all, how many women would give out their phone numbers to the man in the bus when another with an important looking car was after them? This has led to a saying by men that women don’t like to be told the truth.

Are you aware that some men borrow their friends’ cars in order to attract women of so-called higher class? Do you know that some drivers have posed as owners of their masters’ vehicles just to get women into bed? Are you aware that the fact that a man drives a big car does not mean his character is bigger and better than the man walking along the road? Do you know that some men who have nothing to do with recruitment have lured women into bed with the promise of securing jobs for them? All they need to do is look important they don’t need to actually be important.

A friend of mine almost fell into a dangerous trap when a man who perceived her to be of a higher class tried to deceive her into his bed. He called her out of nowhere singing her praises about how decent he had heard she was despite her beauty. That he was ready to get married and had been admiring her from afar. He even went as far as praying with her anytime they ended a conversation because he had done his homework well. Single at 30, my friend who I will call Martha was initially so excited because that was what she had been praying for. The man had introduced himself as a Dr. (PHD) in human resources and sounded so gentlemanly.

The only problem was that she had not seen him in person even though she had grown fond of him by constantly speaking to him on phone. He called for long hours and was impatient for her to say yes to his marriage proposal. When she told me I was excited for her because it seemed like a dream come true. I asked her to see him in person before encouraging him further. She arranged a short meeting at her place of work during lunch time for her first glance of Dr. Perfect and Spiritual. I couldn’t wait for the feedback as I was curious to find out how he looked and carried himself about.

When she called after work, I didn’t wait for the phone to ring twice for the juicy piece of information. The earlier excitement in her voice had dimmed and I sensed all did not go well. According to her, the man who had described himself as fair skinned  was rather chocolate colored. He was short and not of a medium height like he had told her on the phone and had a not so perfect accent like he had on the phone. Additionally, although he drove an Audi A6, the driver with him was unprofessional in his relationship with his “so called-boss”.

Martha had great observational skills and even the smallest detail could not escape her so I knew something was not right. According to her, even the guy’s suit did not seem to fit. That was enough for me to tell that the so-called Dr. of human resources was a scam who was in to make of fool of my wonderful friend. We suspected he had driven a borrowed car and posed with his friend as his driver. We decided to pray about it and see what else time would reveal. By divine intervention, he bared his teeth sooner than we thought. Martha deliberately spoke rudely to him on phone and for a man who had professed his love, his response was terrible. He insulted her before realizing too late that he had gone too far. That was it, goodbye to Dr. Human resources!

Two months later, I went to a wedding with an old university roommate who I had not seen for about four years. We began catching up and guess what? She described the same Dr. of Human Resources who had given her colleague at work a broken heart. Unfortunately, he succeeded with the lady and even duped her of quiet a huge amount of money. He had  promised to marry her using a different name. It was then that I realized the women he targeted had similarities of beauty, intelligence, moral decency and wonderful jobs. I thanked God that Martha had escaped the trap of this wicked wolf in sheep clothing because she had waited too patiently for a good man.

The lesson we can learn here is that we woman are easily swayed by sweet talks and material things. We are attracted by looks of importance and can easily be deceived if we are not careful. But if we are more discerning, we can learn to look beyond the physical to the quality of the person and not the quantity of things surrounding him. An important looking man is not necessarily a man of character or morals. An important looking man may look good on the outside but lack all the important qualities within.

In describing the relation a tree has to its fruits, Matthew Chapter 7: 16-20 states “16 you will recognize them by their fruits. Are grapes gathered from thorn bushes, or figs from thistles? 17 So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit. 18 A healthy tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a diseased tree bear good fruit. 19 Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 20 Thus, you will recognize them by their fruits.”

When I graduated from secondary school and was finally allowed to braid and perm my hair, I was excited at the looks of admiration as I walked along the road. Drivers would stop to ask for my number as others shouted compliments. The only thing that saved me from the claws of these men was my snobbish attitude back then. I would just ignore them and go my way.  However, it felt exciting to have men who seemed important and driving interesting cars honking and admiring me. I was young and stupid!

I have never known the difference in grades of cars and usually qualify their importance by how beautiful they look. So for instance I would find a Tata more appealing to an escalade simply because of its beautiful color. When I told a childhood friend about how someone in an Audi had shown interest in me back in the day, she was excited. Audi! She exclaimed, Matilda that’s a very important car. Her excitement caught up with me and we went on and on about how important he could be to be driving such an expensive car. We now look back and laugh at how young and stupid we were.

As I grew older, I realized I could also work hard to buy a decent car for myself. I began to understand that the man in a car is not as important as the character of the man behind the wheels. Women are not the only victims when it comes to falling prey to the important looking man. Even the great prophet Samuel was a victim as recounted in 1st Samuel 16: 7Bottom of FormBut the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

Unfortunately, like our mother Eve who was attracted to the forbidden fruit in the midst of the Garden of Eden, we women are attracted to what can harm us. My male friend who joined the bus was a very wonderful husband material. In reality, he had more money to take care of a woman as compared to the one behind the wheels who continues to borrow from Peter to pay Paul. But naturally, a woman will bypass the man who just got down from the bus to respond pleasantly to his peer in the important looking vehicle. After all we all want a better life and so even if we ride in the bus, we would want our partners to offer us more comfort.

My friend in the bus had slowly built his own house and was in the process of securing his own car. However, the other gentleman behind the wheels lived in rented apartment and was paying huge loans on his car. A lady who chooses the important looking man over the man in the bus may never know she just missed a potential husband.Things are not always what they seem and that is why it takes discernment and the wisdom of God to make good choices in such matters. When we attach too much importance to what we see with our eyes, it is easy to make serious mistakes in our choices.

Many women have disregarded good men simply because they did not look important. The important looking man may  turn out to be a huge disappointment. Some of these deceptions like what my friend Martha escaped have led to marriages with disastrous consequences. The important looking man is suddenly unable to satisfy his wife’s quest for more material things. His wife equates it to him not loving her anymore. He has to continue to lie to please her since one lie begets another and another.

Is it not better to tell the truth and be accepted for who you are rather than lying about what you don’t have? If we continue to buy into the phrase that women prefer lies to the truth, men will live to bear the consequences. On the other hand if we as women continue to prove that we prefer lies to the truth, we will reap the unhappy harvest of deceit. Many of us have written off our helpers because they did not look important enough. We meet them a few years after and are surprised at how much positive change has taken place. Unfortunately it may be too late. Remember, the important looking man may not have the important ingredients needed to sustain a relationship. “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised, Proverbs 31:30”. And so is the man!

BROKEN PROMISES

BROKEN PROMISES

I was in the company of three naughty male cousins when we met a lovely young woman who according to them was a childhood friend. I had not met her before so I began asking general questions in my quest to know her better. One of my cousins cut into our conversation, he jokingly asked if she was available because he wanted a woman to settle down with.

She quickly responded that she was off-limits, taken and absolutely engaged. With a twinkle in her eyes, she lifted her left arm to show off a ring dazzling on her middle finger. With the seriousness with which she answered, I thought she was actually married at least traditionally.

Interested, I asked if she was married because I felt she was rather too young. She told me her boyfriend had not yet done the necessary traditional rights that would make him lay claim to her but that “He had promised”. I was shocked at the way she had completely believed in the promise without considering the possibility that the gentleman could break it.

Before I could utter a word, the notorious young men in my company burst out unanimously singing a popular praise song. “He has promised he will never fail, I will adore him, I will adore him. He has promised he will never fail, his faithfulness is forever more, his faithfulness is forever more”. We all laughed and the guys continued to tease her.  She became annoyed and told the young men they did not know what was up.

She added that they were jealous and went on to vehemently defend her boyfriend’s undying love for her. I don’t know how the story will end but I pray it ends in a happily ever after and that the gentleman would fulfill his “promise” to walk her down the aisle. Even though I found it amusing at the time, I know it will not be an amusing situation if her boyfriend breaks his promise.

When I was going through marital counseling, my husband and I were so sure we would definitely end up together. We had made up our minds and had gone through all the necessary processes. It was just left with a few days and all we had to do was the traditional marriage ceremony followed by the wedding itself. The knocking ceremony was out-of-the-way, it had been announced at church and invitations were already out.

One day during counseling, the wise priest made it clear to us that until we were pronounced man and wife after exchanging our wedding vows, any of us could change our minds. We were surprised because none of us had considered changing our minds, or was I wrong? As if in answer to my question, my husband told the priest he was not going to change his mind.

I also told him I was not planning on making a mind change. He smiled at us and gave us examples of couples whose partners changed their minds few days to their wedding. Some had made announcements at church and already sent out invitations. Yet still, some were left standing at the altar alone. The sweet promises they had made to each other lay broken before their very eyes. From that time, it was at the back of my mind that anything could happen on the road to the altar.

A popular song by boyz to men caught the hearts of many back in the day as its lyrics promised an unending love. “I swear (I swear) by the moon and the stars in the sky I’ll be there (I’ll be there) I swear (and I swear) like the shadow that’s by your side I’ll be there (I’ll be there) for better or worse (better or worse) till death do us part I’ll love you with every single beat of my heart and I swear, I swear I swear. If you are familiar with this song, i am sure you are singing along by now that is if you remember the lyrics.

Who wouldn’t love such sweet words backed by promises of until death do us part? However, it is safer to believe such words on the marital altar where it is said before a multitude of witnesses and before God. Promises are beautiful but they can be broken, In fact they are usually broken. Don’t you remember a time when you were so sure you would fulfill a promise but surprised yourself by breaking it? In other words, adding weight to a promise by swearing will not make it come to pass.

Numbers 23:19 tells us that God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. Has he said, and will he not do it? Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it? That means a man or woman can lie or change their mind, it is only God who does not break his promises to his children. He is the only one who is noted for actually doing what he says he will do. King David said of the Lord in Psalm 138 verse 2 ” For You have magnified Your Word above all Your name”.

That is why Jesus cautions us in Matthew 5:33-37 “Do not take an oath at all, either by heaven, for it is the throne of God, or by the earth, for it is his footstool, or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the great King. And do not take an oath by your head, for you cannot make one hair white or black. Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil.

It is not uncommon to see many unmarried women wearing promise rings from their lovers who promise to marry them in future. Some even wear it on their wedding ring finger to deter other suitors. What a dangerous thing to do! What if the promise is broken and all the good men who thought you were married did not dare came near you? What if a man who could have made you happier passed you by to the next single lady with no ring on her finger?

Ecclesiastes 5:4-5 says “When you vow a vow to God, do not delay paying it, for he has no pleasure in fools; Pay what you vow. It is better that you should not vow than that you should vow and not pay”. This verse shows our fallibility as human beings and reiterates that it is better not to make a vow or promise than to do so and fail to fulfill our end of the bargain. If we as humans are capable of breaking our vows to God himself despite the repercussions, is it not easier to break promises we make to our fellow humans?

After all, there are so many excuses that can be appropriately used to break off a promise to a partner. With the application of such clever excuses such as my mother doesn’t like you, the one who breaks the promise takes himself out of the picture. Some even tell their partner that their parents do not agree to the tribal differences or that they had a vivid dream that revealed doom for them if they were to get married.

I am not casting a negative light at making promises which we intend to keep but rather at broken promises which has left many women broken. At times, the heartbreak and disappointment is not deliberately planned. A man can be serious at the time he promises heaven on earth. However, let us not forget Numbers 23:19 that reveals how man is prone to change his mind. Momentary feelings can be fickle and trusting in them completely can spell doom.

In the world of love and romance, men will continue to make promises to women. Some will fulfill these promises whilst others will break them due to one reason or the other. Women will also continue pledge themselves to men who have not taken serious steps towards marrying them. It is up to us to keep it at the back of our minds that promises made by man can be broken unlike promises made by God.

With this understanding, we can pray to God to allow his will for our lives come to pass. By reminding him of the promises he makes to us in His word and the fact that he cannot lie. That way, we challenge him to grant us our heart desires. Promise rings are beautiful symbols of love and many find them attractive. But the invisible seal of constant prayer on a single woman with bare fingers is better than a symbolic promise that can be broken.

When the fingers of a single woman in a relationship remain bare, her man knows that she attracts others who may be quicker in fulfilling their promises without symbols of delay. He makes himself ready to quickly lay claim to the woman he loves. The woman who constantly prays to God to fulfill his desire for her life has nothing to prove to the world. God makes sure to prove to the world around her that he is a God who does not lie.