Tag: forgiveness

MY BODY IS NO LONGER FOR SALE!

MY BODY IS NO LONGER FOR SALE!

NB: This story is purely fictional and a result of my active imaginations. It is unrelated to any person dead or alive; any such resemblance is purely coincidental.

Amanda was single- handedly raised by her mother when her father died at the tender age of four. Her mother worked hard to ensure she had a good education and life’s basic comforts. Despite this, she fell into bad company when she entered the university. Lured by a group of friends who introduced her to a notorious pimp, her life took a turn for the worst. No more was she satisfied with the little her mother gave her. She became aware of the fact that with her graceful body, she could acquire more possessions for herself. Little did she know that she was gradually turning into something she had sworn never to become, a prostitute. By the time she realized where her greed had taken her, it was too late. After a year, she was afraid of leaving the group for fear of victimization. They threatened to expose her if she ever backed out. Furthermore, her shame prevented her from going home to her mother who had discovered her secret. Her mother begged her to return to the God who never left her. The beckoning of the Holy Spirit was becoming stronger by the day. An ugly encounter with her pimp was all the excuse she needed to run back to the place of security. Enough was enough, she stopped running from God and submitted to him. He was the only one who could turn her situation around.

 

 

God,

My heart bleeds in response to its ache. My body is so used and tired; I feel like 55 instead of 25. How did I get here? How did I go so far from you? How did I allow myself to be used like this, shoving the love you have for me in your face? Have I proved to you that sending your son to die for my sake was in vain?

Do you look down at me with disgust and regret creating me after your own image? Oh, how lucky I am that when you sigh, it does not blow me away into the pit of hell. That is where I deserve to be. If I could get away with it, I would take my own life and risk heaven. But I know better even though my life is bitter.

I have tried coming back to you several times but my head hangs so low; I cannot lift it up to you. I am grateful that even with my head buried in the ground my words are audible to you oh mighty God. Save me from myself! I am tired just as my body is tired. I am tired of the whispered lies of love in my ears at night. My mind is filled with Lies from men who want nothing but a moment of pleasure.

I am tired of how my body has been invaded making me an open book for every man to read. I am tired of the rough hands that daily grasp my tender breasts. I am tired of the pain and the useless gains. I am tired of my guilt, which evades my conscience reminding me of who I have become.

I am tired of the looks of lust in the eyes of men old enough to be my father. I am tired of how they disregard my mind like junk when I attempt an intelligent conversation. I am tired of the looks of pity as people pass me by; I dread the thoughts they think of me. I am tired of turning my head in another direction to avoid the looks in peoples’ eyes when they see me by the roadside. I am tired of how they move further away as if afraid I will infect them with a dreadful disease just by coming close. Oh lord, I am weary!

My disregard for the church close to where I stand at night looking for clients tears at my soul. My crime is greater because I defile my body that is your holy temple as well as the church built in which to worship you. The beauty you endowed me with has condemned me; I could not use it for your glory. I have misused the wisdom you gave me and directed it into folly. Your mercy is all I seek; I can ask of nothing more. Even though I have more belongings, I am perishing with the weight of sin.

Because of me, innocent men have fallen prey to seduction leaving them as helpless victims. Many could not survive the temptation when I exposed my breasts and my private parts to them in the dark. I am always ready to extract their riches causing them misfortunes. When the catholic priest I was able to lure into my bed run out weeping, my power over him gave me no joy. His shame was enough to destroy my gain. My conscience is dead and no longer convicts me. When did the Holy Spirit depart from me depart? I searched and found him no more.

When did the clothes that covered my body become so easy to discard? Little by little, ignoring the promptings of the Holy Spirit, I took your mercy and forgiveness for granted. I have entangled myself in a web of sin. You alone can disentangle the web in which I find myself; I cannot come out of it unless you save me. Going deeper into sin was easier for me. I could not retrace my steps because I did not know how to stop.

Night after night as I changed like a chameleon afraid to be recognized, I fooled myself. I wore wigs of different colors and skirts too short announcing my immorality. Underneath my skirts are no underwear. My blouses are so tight I can hardly breathe; My Lipsticks bright and sparkling in the dark as I call out loudly to men. My makeup makes me look older, hiding the innocence beneath. I call out to men unashamedly to come and enjoy my body.

Who will continue to love me but you? Recently, I heard someone preach about how you accept people just as they are. That I don’t need to change to come to you. The thought of change puts fear in me because this is how I have learned to survive. With my body so soiled, can you indeed come to live in me again or did you never leave me? If I come to you right now, will you turn your back on me and rather open your arms to your beautiful virgins who glorify you with their bodies? I pray you reach out and welcome me like the lost sheep that I am.

When I reached out for the bible hidden in my suitcase, I was searching for evidence of your love. I had shoved the bible beneath my clothes for fear of its reminder. To make nonsense of the sacrifice you made for me with the life of your dear son is to reject your mercy. Without your Mercy which I am better dead than alive.

The words in the bible have comforted me and given me the strength to come to you today. However, deep within me I knew you were waiting for me to come to you. The condemnations in the eyes of the preachers who have attempted to turn me from my ways always leave me more ashamed. Did these preachers expect me to follow them to church when their hands pointed disgustedly at me from afar? What safety can I find in a place where the sinner’s sin is always brought up? I do not want some boasting pastors to use me in their sermons claiming to have rescued me from the depths of hell. You alone have the power to rescue me.

You have protected me even in this dangerous profession; how can I explain how I stay healthy regardless? I have escaped Dreadful venereal diseases like HIV and Gonorrhea which have infected even those with few sexual encounters. It is a surprise that you still protect me in my sinful profession. The other day when some of my colleagues pondered how they had been spared from these infections, they claimed it was luck, but I know better. You know the deep-rooted issues in our heart’s that cause us to go astray. Thus, you do not withhold your mercy and grace from us.

Many find themselves here for reasons more tangible than mine. I do not have any excuse for what I have become. I have a hardworking mother who has supported me all this while to make my life comfortable. I may not be as rich as I wanted but I am definitely not a church mouse. Mum’s salary has been enough for both of us since she refused to marry when daddy died. Her dedication to my spiritual growth should have taught me better. Wanting more has almost succeeded in killing me. Set me free! Set me free from this self- inflicted pain.

My poor mother; I wonder how she found out about my little secret. I need to get out of this so I can see her smile again. The day she confronted me I couldn’t lie because I was confounded at her discovery. I will never forget the tears she shed as she knelt before me, begging me to stop. I know I should have changed that day but I was too far-gone. I was too ashamed to look her in the eyes. The disappointment was too much. Remember my mother’s tears as I do and help me turn my evil ways around.

When the pimp told me last week that I was nothing but a piece of trash worth less than a penny, I knew the time had come. The time had come for me to stand up and say No! The time had come to run back to you because at least I am worth more than that to you. The time had come for me to cut off all reminders of the one dime human being I had become. The time had come to wipe the tears from my mother’s eyes; she had not ceased praying to recue me out of the hands of the evil one. The time had come!

Oh, how bold I was to look him squarely in the face as I rose elegantly to my full 6feet height. I know you gave me courage because suddenly all my fear was gone. The look of shock and fear in his eyes made me realize I was worth more than he made me feel. I wonder where the words came from as they tumbled down my lips. Where did I get the strength to slap his face? “I may be worthless to you but I was so important to the one who created me that he sent his only begotten son to die that I may live; to turn this penny to a jewel so refined that you cannot identify her again”. The way he paled before me as I uttered those words made me know I had destroyed his defenses. What a relief I felt as I walked away; it was over. Just like that!

I was setting myself free. I had made him more money than his other prostitutes had but he had used me to his advantage sensing my insatiable need for material possessions. He thought I had nowhere to turn. He did not know that I had a God I who had been waiting for me to turn to him; One who was ready to carry the heavy burden I had placed on my own shoulders. A burden I gladly lay down at your feet. Make me your jewel oh lord, your word stays true. Who can wipe away my sins and set me free? Only you! Who can cause a new beginning to come out of an ugly past? Only you! Past, yes past, I am determined not to turn back to that path that leads to death. If you will not condemn me with my past, I don’t care about what anyone else says.

I put behind me a world I ignorantly entered, lured by the pleasures of life. I am returning to you realizing there is nothing better out there beyond the borders of your love. No matter what people say about me, it is better to enter your kingdom with a tarnished reputation than to miss heaven. Reading the bible like a thirsty drunk calms my spirit and makes me surer of one thing. It is a lie that you will not accept me as I am. It is for people like me that you sent your son. Like Paul, you will use me to confound those who thought it was over for me. I will no longer bow down my head in shame. You have already carried my shame on the cross!

I am no more Amanda the prostitute; I am Amanda the worthless vessel in transition to becoming a vessel of honor. Amanda the apple of your eye; that is what the word says you call your children. Come back into my heart Jesus and drive away all that is not worthy of your holy temple. Come back and take your place where I have placed others above you. Come and be seated in the comfort of my heart where you can heal all that is wrong within me for I am coming home again. Like the prodigal son, I have no more fears. You will give me your oil of gladness in your presence where there is fullness of joy. I am coming home to you right here where you never left me even though I left you a hundred times. I am back to my first love. I am here to stay!

I will no more look behind my shoulder only to see my own shadow. No more looking in the mirror to see a caricature looking at me dressed in ridiculous seductive clothing. No more ties with those who tied me down. No more believing in lies about your love for me; your word is my truth! If anyone recognizes the innocence beneath the decorated caricature, let the one pesewa coin shine as the jewel you will turn me into. I am ready to shine both day and night.

I come to you just as I am without fear of rejection. Back to the place of your security I come, where I belong. I am here to stay!

Amen.

 

 RELATED BIBLE VERSE

Psalm 32: 1-6

1          Oh, what joy for those whose rebellion is forgiven, whose sin is put out of sight!

2          Yes, what joy for those whose record the LORD has cleared of sin, whose lives are lived in complete honesty!

3          When I refused to confess my sin, I was weak and miserable, and I groaned all day long.

4  Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me. My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.

5          _ Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide them.

I said to myself, “I will confess my rebellion to the LORD.” And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.

6          Therefore, let all the godly confess their rebellion to you while there is time,

that they may not drown in the floodwaters of judgment.

 

QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION

  1. Do you believe God is capable of forgiving Amanda for the sin of prostitution?
  2. Why was the psalmist weak and miserable when he refused to confess his sin?
  3. How did Amanda’s realization that God would not reject her despite her promiscuity set her free from bondage?
  4. When Amanda realized how important she was for God to send his only begotten son to die for her, how did she value herself?
  5. Do you know anyone who refuses to accept Jesus Christ because they feel unworthy and sinful?
  6. How will you encourage them or yourself to know that He came for the sinful and not the righteous?
RAPED BY THE ONE YOU TRUST

RAPED BY THE ONE YOU TRUST

NB: This is a fictional story of a rape victim’s prayer; any similar encounter you may have unfortunately experienced or heard about is purely coincidental. The characters and description are purely my active imaginations. No matter how you look at it, rape is not easy for the victim and her family; especially when it involves another family member. But it is real and dates back to biblical times as in the story of Tamar and Amnon found in 2nd Samuel 13:1-21.


Continue reading “RAPED BY THE ONE YOU TRUST”

VIVIAN’S FORNICATION STORY

VIVIAN’S FORNICATION STORY

NB: This is a story about a young woman who prays to God about her struggles with fornication. It is purely fictional and a result of my imaginations. It is unrelated to any person dead or alive; any such resemblance is purely coincidental.

At age 19, Vivian’s world is not as perfect as everyone seems to think. With her beautiful voice, she can charm the entire congregation and has gained the respect of both the young and old.  Many parents wished their daughters’  could possibly turn out to be as decent and innocent as Vivian. Her mother is so proud of her, thinking her beloved daughter is the perfection she couldn’t be. Unfortunately, she has her own secret sins and is not proud of herself . She had been struggling with fornication with Stephen who also attends the same church as a pianist and secretly grieves this issue. The perfection people see in her makes it more difficult to cope and she feels unworthy in God’s eyes. Time without number she has tried to stop fornicating but to no avail. Unable to share this with anyone for fear of rejection, she always asks God to forgive her after the act, promising never to do it again. Sadly, she always finds herself back on her knees asking her heavenly father to forgive her one more time. Perhaps next time, she may have the strength to say, No!


Dear God, I did it again.

Why is it so difficult for me to stop? Am I always going to disappoint you like this? This time I tried harder than ever before, only to fall down on my face with defeat. Maybe I did not try hard enough! Is the spirit in me so weak it can no longer subdue the desires of my flesh? Will you forgive me this time just as you did last week and the week before? Maybe it is too much to ask but what about last month? I struggle to believe you no longer remember my sins in your unforgettable mind.  At church today when Pastor Nelson preached about how you forgive and remember our sins no more, I knew he was telling the truth. For your words are exalted above your name.

However, doubt holds my mind captive. Is it true you have already forgotten what I confessed to you the last time I was here, sobbing on my knees as I begged for forgiveness? Unfortunately, I am here to remind you even if you have. It is for the same reason I come to you today. I am here to ask you to forgive me one more time with no reasonable excuse or justification. I wish I could have hidden from your sight under the covers while I gave myself to Steve again. I am so ashamed at the mere thought of you seeing my naked body under a man even though the sheets covered me. How I wish your omnipresent eyes could not locate me as I disobeyed you. Silly me, for nothing can escape your eyes that see right through me to my internal parts and the imaginations ruling my thoughts.

Your eyes miss nothing as they roam to and fro the earth. Even a baby ant cannot escape your scrutiny. The mere fact that you knew what I would do this afternoon even as I dressed up to go to church this morning makes me cringe. I wonder what you thought of me as I led the melody singers today, singing praises to your Holy name. Why did you not stop me? I know I promised not to go to his house again. I know you gave me a chance to escape when my mom asked me to stay home and watch a movie with her. Yes, you were giving me a way to escape when my cell phone rang ceaselessly. But as he kissed me, my head swam with desire. I forgot tomorrow was a step away and I had to face my guilt.

If only I had answered the call, it would have been my exit strategy. I would have been here singing your praises rather than pleading for forgiveness. Instead, I refused to heed the voice of caution, putting the phone off uncaring who the caller might be. I know I shouldn’t have gone to his house at all, but I felt I was strong enough to push him away when he came close to me. After all, he is still my friend and returning his book was an innocent gesture. Now I realize I am not as strong as I think I am. My will power is not always superior over my flesh to overcome every temptation. Although you have given man the freewill to do what he pleases, I wish you had carried me in your arms into the safety of my own room.

This freewill teaches me that I am not as wise as I think i am. My choices speak of my folly. After the three day fasting and prayers at church, I thought I was strong enough to be alone with him and not let him touch me. After all, when Jesus fasted for forty days, he could resist the devil’s temptation.  I know I did not fast that long nor did Jesus play into the hands of the devil like I did. I went to a man’s room knowing the unavoidable might happen. I wonder what I was thinking; I wish my feet had taken over my mind and retraced its steps as I threaded the path of danger. However, I am but human and you are my God. This is my excuse again, oh God! Will you forgive me one more time?

Can I lift my hands to you again, will you not slap them away and banish me from your holy presence? My hands are not holy and they are not pure. But I keep lifting them up to you in the presence of the congregation looking like an angel before them. I feel like cutting myself and bleeding so you know I am so sorry for disappointing you again but my blood cannot save me. My blood cannot wash away my sins. I feel so guilty because I should have known better. How could I have sung of your holiness in the morning and willingly given myself to sin in the afternoon? If I had known this would happen today; I would have stayed at home the entire day.

Maybe if I had not been to church or led the singing group, I would not have felt so guilty. People were so touched by my singing they came to me after service and told me how blessed they were. Some even called me anointed! Only if they knew the truth about me, that beneath that anointing is a thorn so deep in my flesh. A thorn they would not be able to help me pull out because they may not understand how it came to be there in the first place. I will not be able to bear their criticisms and judgment for I too am human. In you alone do I put my trust to help me pull out this thorn in my flesh. It threatens to locate a nerve. Shame is knocking on my door and if you do not help me shut it out, it will consume me.

I wonder what made me choose Stephen as my prayer partner simply because he was so prayerful. The warning given us at students’ union to have members of the same-sex as our prayer partners now makes sense to me. I thought nothing bad could happen out of the innocence of the two of us praying together at the park while holding hands. Your word in proverbs vindicates itself for I have scooped fire onto my lap and it has inevitably burnt me. Oh God, please help me! Save me from myself, bring me onto purity’s side for sin drowns and covers me in shame!

Even my friend Mimi who looks unchristian by society standards has kept her virginity intact in obedience to you. Misjudged by her choice of clothing and outgoing spirit, mummy wants me to stay away from her. According to her Mimi is a bad influence on me. Only if she knew, the long skirts that make me appear so holy in comparison to Mimi’s short ones did not protect my womanhood. My holy looking garments have not set me on the part of righteousness nor prevented sinful pleasures in the secret place. If she looked deeper, maybe the truth would reveal itself. The other day when she made a bad comment about my friend, I almost blurted out.

“Mummy, help me be the good girl you want me to be because I am not what you think I am! I am not as pure as you portray me to be oh, mummy!” I wanted to tell her to take my hand and pull me out of the river of guilt less I sink. But I feared she would not understand. I am afraid she will never love me again, in her world of perfection there are no flaws. There is no room for me to repeat the mistakes she made, one of them resulting in my birth. She has warned me never to repeat those mistakes as her mother and grandma did before her. How can I hurt her like this when she single- handedly raised me up without a father?

No, my eyes cannot behold her sorrow when she finds out i am not that perfect. That is why I am here again, down on my knees and holding on to you. I am holding on to you like the woman who had her healing by touching the helm of Jesus’s garment. Please make me whole again!. Please don’t kick me away nor feel disgusted by my body. I know I have defiled your temple. I have not kept my body to you as the holy and living sacrifice, you require. I will hold on to you though my body is no more that holy temple. I will cling to you because you can make me complete again. I will come to you because you are the only one who will accept me, knowing the truth.

You will neither cast stones at me nor pierce me deeper with my thorn for your mercy is incomprehensible. It isn’t that mummy doesn’t love me but she is but human like I. Maybe one day when I am strong enough to stop fornicating, I may have the courage to confess. To tell her that her little angel knows how it feels to be in the arms of a man. That her precious daughter  has gone beyond the stages of innocence to the extent of protecting herself from pregnancy. That her daughter has long passed the sharp pain of purity and knows the pleasure beyond. Guilty pleasures that last for a moment but leaves behind unbearable guilt and shame. Oh God, you have not given me the right to these pleasures and I know it is wrong.

It is only when I am married that I will be bold enough to stand in your presence having enjoyed what you yourself have allowed between a man and a woman. Only then will I remove the sheets from my naked body, unashamed as your eyes watch me. Sometimes I feel you are being too hard on me by telling me not to do something you created human beings to enjoy. Why give me these feelings and ask me to wait? Now, I know the truth. Your holy commandments are for my own good. Stephen loves me as long as I give him what he wants and turns his back on me when I say no. My heart has fooled me into mistaking lust for love and now I have learnt to lead it and not just follow blindly.

He is  just a man, enjoying the pleasures I give him on a silver platter. I looked up to him as an elder brother who may find me unattractive even when I was naked. Unfortunately, he does not see me as a sister and though I offer him this forbidden fruit, he does not reject it. I am also guilty of feeling nothing for him after satisfying my body’s lusts. My heart belongs to you and my body too. Let it obey your commands, oh God. If I had known your warning against fornication was just to protect me and not to punish me, I would have been wiser. I would have been more cautious and not ventured so closely to any man. From his arms to yours; Oh lord I come, just as i am.

Cleanse me with your blood one more time and make me white as snow. Wash my hands with the water that flowed from the side of your son Jesus Christ when the soldiers pierced his side on the cross. That I may lift these hands freely to you in an act of worship, with no guilt or self condemnation. I will avoid him and stay as far away from him as Jesus stayed far away from sin while he was here on earth. I will flee from him as Joseph did in the house of Potiphar though it landed him in jail, for man-made prisons can only cage a man and not his soul. The prison my transgression puts me in is a worse torture. Open the gates and set me free oh Lord! I want to abstain from sex, please help me! Help me do what is pleasing in your sight.

Help me bring my flesh under your subjection where you rule. Wipe away my guilt and set me free. Show me your love and don’t throw me away. Then I will know you are God and your grace is real indeed. Your mercy is present and true. Remember my sins no more oh Lord and don’t let me find myself in this dilemma again for I don’t want to come asking you to forgive me the same sin. The same sin I confess to you month after month, week after week. Let me be a good girl, your little girl. Don’t stop loving me and I will do my best not to find myself here again.

Thank you so much for listening to me again as you did the other times. Thank you for patiently giving me an ear to lament my plight. This time I promise not to be in this place again asking you to forgive me the same sin. With your help and strength, when I come here on my knees next time, it will be to thank you for victory. To rejoice that you have brought me out of this web of sin and rescued me from hell’s snare and I will lift my head to you no more ashamed you have seen my shame. I ask you this in the Name of Jesus Christ my lord and personal savior. Amen.

RELATED BIBLE PASSAGES

1 Corinthians 6:18-20

Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

Galatians 5:19-21

Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

1 Thessalonians 4:3-4

For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor,

Romans 12:1-2

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Does God truly forgive and forget our sins as Vivian is wondering? Like Vivian, do you struggle to run away from sexual sin? Why is sexual immorality a sin against our own bodies? What does the scripture mean by we do not belong to ourselves? Will we recognize our bodies as God’s temple if we could see him with our naked eyes residing in us?

QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION

Does God truly forgive and forget our sins as Vivian is wondering?

Like Vivian, do you struggle to run away from sexual sin?

Why is sexual immorality a sin against our own bodies?

Will we recognize our bodies as God’s temple if we could see him with our naked eyes residing in us?

Do you agree with Vivian that although we sometimes feel God is being too hard on us by asking us to stay pure until we get married; it is for our own good?

WHY DR. NELSON ABANDONED HER SON

WHY DR. NELSON ABANDONED HER SON

NB: This is a story is purely fictional and a result of my active imaginations. It is unrelated to any person dead or alive; any such resemblance is purely coincidental.


Doctor Cindy Nelson is a successful pediatrician blessed with a loving husband and two beautiful daughters. To the outside world, she appears to have it all. Her colleagues and loved ones greatly admire how she perfectly combines her spiritual, family and work life. Unfortunately, within her soul is a cancer that has been eating at her for several years. An inward pain carefully concealed by her outward appearance. At a younger age, she had dumped her baby in the school bin and had no idea whether he lived or died.Remembering the act robs her of the joy she has found in her family. It is only when she lays the past to rest that she can truly be happy. As a yearly ritual, she cries out to God from the depths of her soul on her son’s birthday. She knows someway somehow, He alone could give her the peace of mind she desperately needs to move on in the future.


It is me again God,

I am here because of the same issue; it’s about my baby or should I say my son? He is no longer a baby at 14. Today is his birthday. It’s been 14 long years without him. I wonder if he is okay. Please give me a sign he is alive and well. The other day when I went to the market, my heart beat as I saw that handsome young boy and wondered if he was the one. My disappointment knew no bounds when he turned around only for me to discover it was a figment of my imagination. How many times have I made a fool of myself like this? How long will this torture last? Oh, had I known is always alas. I know this uncertainty will one day end.

God, I know this is a sin I have confessed, time without number. However, can I ever forget what I did? Just when I feel it is all in the past, the memory comes back as strongly as if it were yesterday. These days, I remember him so much, especially since the doctor confirmed I might no longer have children after my surgery. Thank you for giving me two beautiful girls. Oh, how their father wishes for a son and my girls wish they had a brother. Maybe one day, I will have the courage to tell them the truth. Somewhere out there is the brother they long for.

Protect him oh God, remember him for I don’t know whether he is alive or died. Whether he has three square meals each day as I enjoy with my family, is unknown to me. Whether he is educated or not and if he knows what I did to him are questions I yearn answers to. Grief, torture, pain, torment all in one are what I feel with this uncertainty I put myself through. Perhaps abortion would have been a safer alternative, for then I would have known he was in your bosom. That he was glowing with purity and free of this cruel world.

However, abortion has its own repercussion I didn’t have the strength to endure. At least I console myself I did not snap the life out of him. If I had abstained from sex as preached time without number, I would not be carrying this cross today. Though I was in church, I had not accepted you yet as my lord and personal savior. I was just going through the motions. What was I going to do with a baby at the age of 18 when I had just entered the university? How was I to face the church in which my parents were the founders?

My dad would have surely thrown me unto the street as I had seen him do to my elder sister, Ingrid. Who would have helped me out? My son, my baby! Even when I decided to risk it all, the rejection from Dominic my then boyfriend was too much for me to handle. Who is responsible? Those words still echo in my ears with anguish. I wonder if Dominic knows what plaques my mind so many years down the line. He never once looked back when he left my room, after claiming he knew nothing about my pregnancy. If he has escaped this torment, then this world is unfair to women indeed. I cannot put my hand on what is worse, to throw away my baby or to picture every boy of his age as my son. The guilt of dumping my baby boy into the university trashcan still weighs me down after all these years.

God, please forgive me! May the filth I dumped him into no more soil his innocent body. His new body given from above, which I condemned to the worst faith, was undeserving of any living being. You alone were in my room the day I single-handedly delivered my boy into a world he chose not to be. Oh, the pain and danger I put myself through! Thank you for seeing me through. It is a miracle no one suspected I was pregnant. What would I have done? Maybe I should have spoken up and damned the consequences, because silence is not always golden. My stomach had been so small and I am grateful I had a room to myself.

Those biology books demonstrating how to self-deliver your own baby seemed impossible but came in handy. If I hadn’t rushed myself to the hospital out of campus after getting rid of him, I would surely have been dead. Where did I find such strength? It was a miracle not to bleed to death. Now I know you were there watching over me from above. Your angels gathered before my invisible eyes as they helped bring my boy into this world.

Even though I had lied to the midwife that I had a miscarriage, the suspicious look  in her experienced eyes told me she knew. I keep asking myself why she said nothing as she cleaned me up and attended to me. Her eyes were kind and I felt it was you looking at me. If I did not run away, she would have turned me in. The memory is so vivid and still causes my heart to pound. I wonder what his name is. I only remember him as misery, for that is all I could think of when I thought of him at the time. Now I think of him with different emotions from joy to sadness, anger and bitterness. My Boy! Today he is 14 and wherever he is, I hope you have kept him safe and sheltered as you have done for me. May I starve if he is hungry if that will feed him somehow. Let me feel his pain when he is sad. When the story comes out one day, please defend me oh lord. I will rather not see him again than see hatred in his eyes.

If I had not dumped him in a dustbin, the story may not have been too bad. Thank you for sending the university nurse to his aid that dawn and saving his life. I do not know what transpired after or where he is now. However, I know we shall meet again, in this world or the next. Oh, Lord let it be in this world. It is a mystery how I kept this secret to myself all these years. The heart of man is desperately wicked indeed. I know you have given me a good man but I can never bring myself to tell him. I am afraid he will see me differently and may not be able to forgive me. Only you have the power to forgive. Wrecking my marriage with this secret will not only affect me but my two innocent children. No! I cannot tell him. This secret is for your ears only because you already observed it with your eyes.

Take away the sorrow from my heart and let me glow in the feel of another year added to his life, if he is alive. To think he may be dead is the greatest pain I can imagine and even my labor pains cannot compare. God, let him be alive and bring happiness to another, as you wanted him to bring to me. I know you gave me the gift of a bold birthmark on his cheeks identical to mine that no one can miss. Yes! One day soon, if it is your will, we shall reunite. That uncommon identity mark will be my proof of his identity. Oh how I love you, my son. God please let him know this, if there is a way you can.

I can never forget the way his beautiful big eyes looked at me as if to say, why mummy? Don’t you love me? I am cold; please take me out of here! I am still surprised he did not cry until I walked way. I was so scared of someone seeing me. Could he have been protecting me even then? His little hand had clutched to my finger with his faint strength as if to say, please mummy, don’t go! Please, we will make it. Oh God, do you remember how I wept in shame and pain as my breasts dripped their own share of tears from the breast milk you had graciously provided for him? Only once did I allow him to suckle my breast to satisfaction. I wonder whether another wet mother filled my place.

The shame and guilt I felt the next day was nothing compared to what I had done. You know how the news spread like wildfire. The wicked curses and insults hurled at the culprit cut deeper into my emotional wounds. I thank you for your grace and mercy. As I joined the rumors for fear of being exposed, I was unaware I pointed an invisible finger at myself. My baby, my boy where are you now? God please tell him I love him now, I was just but a girl who stupidly thought I was a woman. Several years down the line, I now realize one can never be too grown or too wise.

If there is something I am confident about, it is your love for children. Jesus once said; let the children come unto me for theirs is the kingdom of God. I may be his mother, but I am not his God. I may Love him but not as much as you do. You alone demonstrated great love when you sent your only begotten son to die so I might live. Thus, I have the assurance of his safety in you for my arms are too short to reach out to him wherever he is. Nonetheless, your arms surround him daily. Bless my boy as you have blessed me, despite my wickedness. Assure me it is well with Him and my mind will be at peace, leaving him in your care.

If any good came out of this, it was that I accepted you into my heart out of my loneliness and grief. My God, my best friend and my confidant; thank you for saving me. No matter how he turns out, let him accept you as I have. I will never cease praying for his salvation as I do for my girls. Thank you that the plans you had for him while still in my womb were not as wicked as I had for him. Any time I felt him kick against the walls of my womb, my thoughts were murderous. But his safety was your concern. For your word says the plans you have for him are prosperous and not harmful. No wonder I was unable to harm him. It was not in my power to do so. Make him the best in everything he does and may my prayers of intercession answer his every need.

One day, I will speak to my husband and my girls. I know I have been telling you this every year but it is easy to say than to do. The time is not right and my courage fails me. If I should ever meet him alive, I will be sure to spill the beans to the world, no matter the consequences. But if I do not meet him according to your will, I will wait for the day I lay on my dying bed. This way, I can escape the look of shock and disdain from my loving husband and two adorable girls who believe mummy can do no wrong.

Then, you will receive me in your arms for you alone have the power to forgive. If you have forgiven me, who am I not to forgive myself? I can go on with life confidently though I will not cease praying for him. Thank you so much for his life whether here or in your bosom. Until 11 March, when I come to thank you for my son’s life again, it is bye for now on this topic. Please do let him know someone loves him and that someone is me, His mother. Amen.

RELATED BIBLE VERSE

Psalm 6

1 LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your wrath. 2 Have mercy on me, LORD, for I am faint; heal me, LORD, for my bones are in agony. 3 My soul is in deep anguish. How long, LORD, how long? 4 Turn, LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. 5 Among the dead no one proclaims your name. Who praises you from the grave? 6 I am worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. 7 My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes. 8 Away from me, all you who do evil, for the LORD has heard my weeping.
9 The LORD has heard my cry for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer. 10 All my enemies will be overwhelmed with shame and anguish; they will turn back and suddenly be put to shame.

QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION

Do you think like the psalmist, Dr. Cindy Nelson deserves God’s compassion after what she did?

How does God’s restoration or forgiveness cure those who are sick at heart?

Why is it so difficult for Dr. Nelson to come out with the truth, will you have done otherwise?

Would you have forgiven yourself if you were in her shoes?

If God forgives us, should we resist forgiving our own sins no matter how terrible?

Like her boyfriend and her father, how do we sometimes contribute to the poor decisions others make?

LURED INTO LESBIANISM

LURED INTO LESBIANISM

NB: This is a story about a young woman who prays to God about her struggles with lesbianism. It is purely fictional and a result of my active imaginations. It is unrelated to any person dead or alive; any such resemblance is purely coincidental.

Sandra’s cross has not been easy to carry although she has labored under its heavy weight, which threatened to crush her any time soon. Lured into the act of lesbianism by a trusted friend of the family and initiated against her will, she was deeply hurt and angry with God for what she had become. Involved in an act her Christian upbringing did nothing to encourage, Sandra lived in a dilemma. She alone had to deal with her situation unknown to her family. She wished to speak to her father but doing so meant bringing shame to him since he was a Reverend Minister. Her mother was also an unlikely candidate for her confession though they were very close. She could also not bring herself to speak to her sisters for fear of condemnation. Only the God she had cast aside would really understand. No more able to bear the burden of the heavy cross, she goes to the Lord in prayer. This time, she determines to lay down the cross at His feet and walk away with her head held high once again.


Daddy Lord,

I am unworthy to stand before your presence, but I prefer your rebuke to losing you in this pool of sin. I don’t know how I found the courage to come to you today, but I know it is now or never. I have been going through the motions; a shadow of myself, confused and worried. Nevertheless, so far as I am here today, I am not leaving with this burden in my heart. Take this load away and give me your yoke that is lighter or I will fall at the weight of my grief! If you destroyed an entire nation because of this appalling act; then it is a wonder I am still here. You know me more than I know myself and even though my misdeed might not surprise you, I am aware it has not pleased you either.

It has taken me a while to get to the point where I can cast away the lies to agree with the truth. You did not create me to have sexual relations with my fellow woman. You created the perfect fix between a man and woman but I have reversed your perfect order and become abominable before you. If anyone had told me I would be in such a mess, I would have laughed the person to scorn. After all, I am the daughter of Reverend Smith and I have known your Word since I was an infant. The possibility of this happening to me was too minimal. Today however, I have gained insight into the fact that evil assigns its deeds fairly between the good and bad just as rain refuses to discriminate. No one can look into the future to predict the outcome when faced with life’s treacheries. To claim innocence in an act yet to happen is to be overconfident in our weak human strength.

Thus, I am not oblivious to the truth. I am not here to lay blame on anyone for my actions, but to lay my sinful deeds before you with no justification. My actions have hung my head so low by the weight of its heavy burden. No more will I die inside and smile outside, weeping within while laughter rings out of my mouth as I attempt to survive in an unsympathetic world. Four years ago when I entered college an innocent 15 year old, little did I know one forbidden act may possibly cause me to reject you for fear of you first rejecting me. I have read that you first loved me from the beginning of time but those words meant nothing to me, because I didn’t know, you were capable of forgiving something so sinful.

When Mary lured me into lesbianism, I didn’t know who to turn to for she was the Christian sister to whom my parents had entrusted. As a neighbor and a family friend, she was like a real sister to me and I never knew she could harm me. If you forbid this impermissible act, why did I eventually feel pleasure at her touch? Lured by whispers and gifts of so-called love, my naïve mind was too overwhelmed to fight back. Where were you when my body experienced the sharp pain as her fingers exploited my virgin body? When I cried out to you, why did you not answer me? God, where were you when I needed you to push her away from me and to save me from her? Why did you not prevent her manipulations and deceit from getting to me?

Why did I take her words as the gospel while I kept the real gospel in the bible under my pillow? If two women should not be together this way; then why do you not take away the feelings of pleasure when they explore each other’s bodies? Would it not have been easier for us to escape the temptation? It is still a mystery to me. After that fateful day, I have not been able to come before you although I wanted you to set me free. I thought I had become distasteful to you. Perhaps that is why I foolishly bought into the defense that some women are attracted to the same sex and can do nothing about it. You have spoken to me in my dreams. You have opened my eyes to the truth in your words, which I discarded. I have refused to see and to listen. Rather, my stance has been defensive. If you created me this way as the others believe, why change or feel guilty? What could I have done when I had no one to turn to? Was I to turn to my father the priest of Fire Ministries or my mother who is the anointed wife of the man of God? No!

Was I to turn to my elder sister who seems so perfect in my eyes or worse still my younger sister Tracy who looks up to me and follows my every step? Definitely not! While I was busy looking around me for someone to unburden my guilt and shame, I forgot you were there with me when it started but I refused to talk to you, and why not? Shame and guilt hung my head downwards. To make matters worse the media has taken a definite stance against anyone involved in this act. People have called us more horrible names than I can imagine. Where were they when my forced initiation was taking place? Did they have my back when I lay there like a sheep awaiting its slaughter? How many of them have carried the weight of guilt I have had to carry? The fear and condemnation told me I was better off dead than alive.

What about you God, where were you to save me? I thought your Word says those that call on your name shall be saved. It is so painful you did not save me as you looked on. I know I said I would not come to you with any blames, but my wounds still bleed and my tongue lashes out before I can control it. Just yesterday, as I was listening to the urban talk radio program, I couldn’t believe my ears when the caller suggested killing those involved in homosexual acts. He went on to say, he was going to take the law into his own hands if his recommendation went unheeded. How can the grave testify to our change when we lie dead in its cold depths? Is this the solution to the daily horror most of us live in; knowing very well we are living a lie? Will our punishment solve the problem when our hearts cry out for help and a way out? Hmmm, I wonder. My heart beat in fear and my head dropped lower as my family contributed to the discussion.

Their agreement with the caller hurt me so much, though they are not to blame. How were they to know their beloved daughter was also a culprit? What saddened me the most was how Mary’s mother who had come to visit was the most vocal in the discussion. Only if she knew, her daughter was more guilty than the others she criticized and that I had been her victim. I have been able to avoid Mary since she finished school, although the seed she planted in me has grown to the point of fruition. It is a miracle even though I had been secretly practicing this abominable act, I have never inflicted the same harm meted out to me on innocent girls who came to the school. Protecting some of them from more fierce colleagues has even earned me enemies in the same circles. Lord, I know your love for humanity is not dependent on good deeds but I hope you will show me the same mercy I had on those innocent girls, as I have come before your mercy seat.

When I look at my younger sister about to enter college; fear grips my heart. The thought of the same destruction possibly awaiting her is agonizing for me. Help me oh God, for I need to talk to her about my experience regardless of the outcome. My pain should be enough for both of us. Give me the courage and strength to speak to her. May she not thread that deadly path I thread, for her gentle spirit may not be able to survive this repulsive act. When I took the decision today I would no more be a slave of anyone’s imagination, my eyes were open to the fact; that forgiving Mary was the key to my healing and deliverance. I never knew I could come to this decision since the bitterness I feel towards her tastes worse than the sourest pill. However, I have noticed holding this unforgiveness against her holds me captive as well.

She is also the product of a corrupted world and deserves the same forgiveness I seek from you, even if she is too ashamed to ask for it. Therefore, in your presence oh lord, I forgive her and forgive myself. Like the washing away of trash into the mighty ocean, wash away my trash with the sea of blood; shed by your son Jesus while here on earth. Remember them no more and wipe my slate clean again as you promised me in your holy books. Remember all those who are in such bondage as you depicted with the adulterous woman in the bible; stopping anyone from hurling stones at her. This way, they too can have the chance to go and sin no more, if they are willing. I know you are always ready to pull out those who reach out their hands to your already extended ones. The seed of sin planted in my heart through the exploitation of my innocent body and the whispered lies, bore fruits that I refuse to recognize from now on.

I come to you as my lord and personal savior, who never left my side though I left in anger and disappointment that my God could not protect me. Who can understand your ways and answer the question every hurting Christians asks; why do good people suffer? Only you know; I rejoice in the ability to come out of suffering and still see you as the only God worthy of my praise. The devil is a liar indeed! One lesson I have learnt in all this, is that when you constantly listen to a lie, you eventually believe it. No wonder I began to believe, you created me to be with a woman and not a man. The mere fact that my heart beats at the sight of an attractive woman does not means I am a lesbian. No longer, will I allow my heart and my ear to lead me astray. For a house built in the shape of a car is still a house and not a car. It is a wonder for six months, I have kept clean of this act even when I had not taken a personal decision to stop. My heart had already decided it would no longer go that way.

Can it be the spirit in me? The fire I dimmed when I stopped reading your word blazes within me again and I will fuel it in your presence. I am so grateful I did not lure my sister into it since some of my friends practice it with their own siblings. Please help them! My heart trembles at the thought and I promise to be an advocate against homosexuality with you as my help. Taking my bible after so long and reading that you will remember my sins no more and make me a new creature is all the push I need. I now realize you never let me go as I thought. You sent good friends my way; but I was so ashamed to go near them. I thought they were so pure. You protected me from sickness and other social vices and kept my grades up even though my morals were down. Today, I can say I not only forgive Mary for her initiation and my parents for leaving me in her care, but I also forgive myself. Not running to the cross but moving further away from it, was my worst mistake.

You who created me in your image and saw I was good; you have lifted my head and taken away the sorrow from my eyes. You who know the plans you have for me even before my birth. I rededicate my life to you and ask you to remove every seed of shame, lies, pain and deviation from your word. That I may be the confident woman, you want me to be, no longer focusing on my imperfections. I learn to entrust my life to you; believing man’s mercilessness cannot crush me while I am in the palm of your hands. Preserve my body as your holy temple, until you bring me the man you created specially for me. In addition, let the effect of this sinful past be my past indeed!

All I need is for you to help me believe in your words, which you have exalted above your holy name. Let me believe you took away my shame as you hang on the cross. It is too good to be true! As Jesus died and rose again, I put to death every doubt and rise with you as the new creature you have made me today. No more bondage, no more lies, no more compromise! I am free indeed; the sun has set me free! Thank you Jesus for the blood you shed, because it can remove every stubborn stain of sin. Amen!

RELATED BIBLE PASSAGES

ROMANS 1: 26-27

For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions. For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error. ;

GALATIANS 5: 19-21

Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

LEVITICUS 18: 22-23

You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination. And you shall not lie with any animal and so make yourself unclean with it, neither shall any woman give herself to an animal to lie with it: it is perversion.

COLOSSIANS 3: 5

Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.

QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION

Like Sandra, how does the betrayal of a trusted Christian cause you to view other Christians?

Do you agree forgiving the people who hurt us the most is the beginning of our victory?

Do you agree with Sandra that believing a lie can make it seem like the truth?

How did the self-righteous behavior of her parents and sisters push her deeper into the sin of lesbianism?

Have you ever been angry with God for not coming to your aid as Sandra laments? How does this push us further from him and into sin?

NANCY’S ABORTION

NANCY’S ABORTION

NB: This is a story about the effects of abortion committed years ago. It is purely fictional and a result of my active imaginations. It is unrelated to any person dead or alive; any such resemblance is purely coincidental.

An unsafe abortion several years ago almost ended Nancy’s life after completing high school. Fortunately, she survived and continued her education; becoming a successful lawyer. She had it all, as well as a wonderful God-fearing husband.Before their marriage, she had confessed her abortion to him and the possibility of it affecting her womb. However, her husband Raymond was unperturbed not wanting to leave the only woman he had ever loved. Five years into their marriage, her worst fear unfolded before her as she had one miscarriage after the other. A thorough medical investigation pointed out her miscarriages resulted from a damaged womb that was unable to carry a fetus. Furthermore, there was a possibility of losing her life if this persisted. The doctors encouraged her to seek alternatives. Her sorrow knew no bounds with this news as she harbored some hope that God may heal her womb. As she ponders the wisdom of agreeing to her husband’s suggestion of adoption, she goes to the Lord in prayer. Her father in heaven was the only one with the ability to read her heart and comfort her.


Daddy Lord,

Some people say judgment is right here on earth even before we see you one day. That the ball you throw against a wall will one day bounce back to you. I hear it said that even though you forgive sin, man has to live with its effects. I wonder if this is the result of a sin long committed. How was I to know the day I went through the worst physical pain of my life, marked my doom. Wisdom failed to notify me that the sharp instruments entering my most tender parts would leave a permanent mark. And that a day would come when the life I was snapping out of me would come to confront me.

As I bled on the old table, the withered hands of the old woman exploiting me, no emotion displayed on her face. She had done it so many times my screams failed to reach her ears. I felt like the worst sinner on earth not only against you, nor against the child but also the torture I subjected my own body to. It is a wonder I am alive today. How many women lay on that table before me? How many screams went unheard out of that old house hidden behind the woods? Who would come to the aid of a dying woman?

The memory fills me with horror, but not as horrible as the scattered remains of my precious one on that ugly table. I have heard many justifications for the terrible act i committed but no theory can convince me otherwise. Before my eyes were her tiny scattered parts. I knew i had committed murder. It was too late, the misdeed had already been done as my heart beat with regret. The physical pain and the emotional pain was too much for me to bear. Oh, how i wish i could banish that memory forever!

Oh my baby; I wonder what she will tell me when we meet one day. Why mother, why did you deny me the chance to make you happy? Why did you deny me a chance to breathe the air surrounding you or feel the warmth of your embrace? Why did you hate me even before my birth, when God had put in me a love for you I couldn’t wait to show? I would have been your girl, your baby and your best friend. We would have done all the fun things mothers do with their daughters.

If these are the questions, she will ask me one day, then help me tell her she has been vindicated. Mummy is lonely without her. The pain and anguish I felt when I realized I had conceived her cannot compare to how I feel without her by my side. I know she is happier in heaven instead of being here with me. If I was capable of doing something like this to her I wonder if I would have been deserving of her love and affection.

God I wonder if you feel I am not capable of being a loving mother and if that is why you will not entrust me with a child. I am ready now oh God, I was not prepared then. I did not know you then as I do now. I now have a home to give my baby and a father who will not reject her. I can now provide for her unlike then. I know I might have died having an abortion at five months and was lucky to walk away with a wounded womb. I will not claim ignorance or justify my actions especially before you. For you can search through the dark corners of my heart and know the truth even  before it comes out as a lie.

Will my sin have been lesser if I had confided in my stepmother who would have insisted on having a baby I was not ready for? Would going to a safer clinic to commit the same sin have justified the act? You alone can measure the weight of sin. Perhaps a safer clinic would have spared my womb but not my conscience. And who can tell what is safe when you alone are my safety and refuge? Although Jacob put me through this hardship, I hear he has three children of his own while I have nothing!

How can two people share in an abomination while only one faces the consequence? Is there any justice at all for women? How I wish I were a man! However if being a man could have spared me this turmoil then how can I explain Judith’s situation? Who can explain why my friend who had undergone five abortions at the same place now has two sets of twins? Life is not fair! Who can understand your ways, oh God. You alone know why you do the things you do.

Maybe it is true your children suffer more when they stray from you compared to those who don’t know you. For who can explain how one girl gets pregnant the first time she has sex while the other gets away with countless encounters. Will you have justified me if I had protected myself, preventing any pregnancy? However, how does an unmarried Christian woman take birth control pills and carries a condom without the intent of having sex? I must confess I knew the truth, even before the doctor confirmed my condition. The evidence was clear but my hope was still alive. The conscience usually knows the cause of a self-imposed problem.

Yesterday was the worst day of my life because of the memory of my dark painful secret. The secret, which I had tried to shove into the darkest corners of my mind, looked me in the face yesterday. It was because I feared this might happen that I told my Husband Raymond, of this misdeed before agreeing to marry him. I hoped the truth might frighten him away at the same time wishing he wouldn’t leave me. However, yesterday was at the same time the best day of my life. If I doubted you had given me a good man, all the fears evaporated when he took my hand and promised we were in this together. I am undeserving of such love.

When he immediately suggested we should arrange for adoption without any look of condemnation or disgust, I felt as if I were dreaming. I wondered if love like this still existed here on earth. A thousand and one negative responses are often expected from a man at a time like that. Nevertheless, the acceptance and gentleness with which he reassured me of his love and support was more than I could imagine. When he added that the vows he made on our wedding day were not just recitals, I was on cloud nine.

When this man stood by me as I prayed expectantly for a miracle, I knew we had become one indeed because he did not abandon me to carry this burden alone. What a joy to find a man who truly loves the lord. All that is good come from you I must concur, but I felt my childlessness was not good enough for such a good man. However, I have learnt to enjoy what you have blessed me with and stop grieving for what I lack.

Yesterday I learnt the greatest lesson of my life. It is better for a person to know all your faults and accept you the way you are. And that in keeping things in the dark, you risk losing everything when the secret is out. When I confided in him about my unsafe abortion, I ignored my breaking heart as I gave him a chance to walk away. Earlier in my life, when step mom advised that telling hard truths set the record straight leaving no room for blame games, I couldn’t understand. Now I recognize the wisdom in her words.

What a wonderful woman she was! When you brought her into my life after mother died, all I thought of was how to oppose her. I did everything through word and deed to communicate to her that she could never take the place of my real mother. Her love and determination to find a place in the heart of my brother and I broke my resolve and won me over. A mother is indeed not only the one who carries you in her womb but also the one who loves, nurtures and accepts you for who you are. So therefore, you were preparing me for a time, when I too would seek an opportunity to care for a child who I did not carry in my womb to call me mummy. You indeed know the end from the beginning.

If you have given me, a chance to mother as many children as I want through adoption, your goodness and mercy have indeed followed me. You did not repay me with the wickedness and punishment I deserve and I am grateful. I am tired of the name aunty when mummy is what I yearn for. I need to have children to call my own so I can love them and watch them grow. It is interesting how we yearn to own the children you graciously give us to nurture. We forget they are yours though we enjoy them here on earth. Why then does it feel so painful for a mother to lose a child? I hear the pain a woman endures after childbirth ceases immediately she holds her offspring in her arms. Perhaps that is the joy motherhood.

I need to experience this joy! Help me take care of the children you are about to bless me with through adoption. Let these children, though born through another woman’s pain give me a chance to love them. Help me to see them as my own and to love them just as my stepmother did in those rebellious days of my youth. When all is said and done, may I always remember, I am their mother and not their God.

With this in mind, I will do my earthly best as you play your divine part so together, your will in their lives will be accomplished and your glory seen. I do not ask for children of my choice, as I don’t have a choice. I ask that somewhere out there, let the babies I bring to this house accept me as their mother. And even though I cannot feed them from my bosom, let it be said one day that they are my bosom friends. Thank you once again, Lord. You have loved me past my pain and wiped away my reproach. I will praise your name now and forever, Amen.

RELATED BIBLE PASSAGES

PSALM 127: 3

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.

PSALM 139: 13-16

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

JOB 31: 15

Did not he who made me in the womb make him? And did not one fashion us in the womb?

LUKE 1: 41-44

And when Elizabeth heard the greeting of Mary, the baby leaped in her womb. And Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit, and she exclaimed with a loud cry, “Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb! And why is this granted to me that the mother of my Lord should come to me? For behold, when the sound of your greeting came to my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy.

QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSIONS

Does life begin before or after birth as described in the bible passages above?

Do you think aborting an unborn child is equal to murdering a grown human being?

Was Nancy’s unsafe abortion justified because she wasn’t ready to have a child?

Do you believe God has truly forgiven her?

How did Nancy’s experience with her stepmother prepare her for adoption?